Empty walls

I am back in Ankeny again, but for the last time. Tomorrow Dad and I will pack up the last of his stuff that he is bringing with him to Port Washingon.  Friday Mike and Anita will come and we will load the pick up and drive to Wisconsin.  I will be glad this is my last trip to Ankeny.  I asked dad if there was anywhere he wanted to go before he leaves.  He said no.  Luckily for me, Tiffany and I took our little trip down memory lane last month.

So, why is my subject "empty walls"?  Most of the walls in dad's condo are empty.  The pictures have been taken down.  The plates are packed up and the curio cabinet is empty.  I can't decide whether to say mom's place or dad's place, mom's phone or dad's phone, etc.   I am inconsistent and switch between them.  I am going to change my phone contact to dad's cellphone.

My brother called yesterday to talk about why mom died.  I understand what he is doing and it is hard not to wonder if we did the right things, made the right decisions.  "Don't beat yourself up" my Aunt Carol told us.  You do the best you can.

I miss my mom

My mom passed away on May 28, 2013 after being ill for several months.  No one expected this.  I have been too busy to get an understanding of how I feel or to take time to be sad.  My dad is coming to live with me.  My life is changed.  A milestone has been passed.

I was with my mom when she died. I was holding her hand, watching as her breathing slowed and finally stopped.  Agonal breaths, my analytical brain is observing the process of death.  I have no tears to shed.  I leave as soon as I can, never look back.  My aunt Carol, mom's sister, was with me and mom.  I know she helped me, kept me "ok".  I go back to mom and day's home to be with dad and my brother Mike.  We begin the list of tasks that must be done to prepare for the funeral.

Why am I writing about this?  I don't know.  I miss my mom.  My dad is coming to live with me.  My life is changed.  There is no going back.